I have to say shortly after writing my "Attacked from all sides" I felt pretty bad. I know what I said needed to be said. But I fear that becasue of how I felt I perhaps might have said it in the wrong spirit. Either way. I will not remove it.
I fell to the floor last night in submission hoping that god would come. I began to sort of cry when I heard nothing. I asked why? I was doubting my connection with God. I thought something had gone horribily wrong. I was right I began to believe this lie. I began to believe I had lost that connection. Just then a song by Johnathan Pierce came on "Praise the Lord" The Song goes like this
When you're up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hope has been cruelly crushed
By Satan's manifesting scheme
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith you're standing in, seem to disappear
(Chorus)
Praise the Lord
He can work with those who praise Him ,
Praise the Lord
For our God inhabits praise,
Praise the Lord
For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise him
Now satan is a liar
And he wants to make us think
That we are paupers
When he knows himself
We're children of the King
So lift up the might shield of faith
For the battle has been won
We know that Jesus Christ has risen
So the work's already done
As I heard this song I realized that the scheme of Satan had been sucessful.
I got up and began to praise. The joy returned. My heart felt at ease. I could feel the spirit of GOd. I has been convienced that I had lost the spirit of God. How? I really don't know. You know the word of God? You are not to waiver but still sometimes these feeling do come through
I love this last part.
Now satan is a liar
And he wants to make us think
That we are paupers
When he knows himself
We're children of the King
So lift up the might shield of faith
For the battle has been won
We know that Jesus Christ has risen
So the work's already done
So in this I know God spoke to me.
I am not a man who is sinless. I am not man to claim his worthiness for any reason.
I am worthy unto nothing. This is not fake humility I do believe this. However I know that I am not so wise not so read and not so in the spirit that I cannot fall, believe in Satans schemes and loose my ground. Paul warns that we should not think to highly of ourselves. I try and live that daily. If any of my enteries ever look like that I have to apologize. I am trying to write a journal that shows the walk both in its high and in its low. In this I cesor nothing.
I have many things I still must go forward into. Changes and confessions that need to be made. Just today I spent some time with a beautiful family. I spoke to the wife and her husband her children so understanding so sweet they all are. However I got a message I cannot ignore. The pain of getting a message like the one I recieved is that yes it is accepted with Gladness but still I must believe so much that I might endanger my daughter, myself, those who have been there for me. This is the deliemma. I now know what God is testing me for. Shall I loose everything and Go back and confess. Or shall I loose everything and not confess. In order to protect people I have told people things that would be considered a lie. How this grieves me. I sometimes wonder why God does not give up on me. This pains me even more. Do I live my life for Christ. yes. Do I go through trials and tribulations. Yes. Do I believe and trust in God to know that I can drop my guard and perhaps loose everything I have. That is yet to be proven. I have not lost Christ. Those who read might point accusation or blame. However I say. I have no excuse. No excuse for the sin of deception and moreso the sin of not trusting in God enough to drop my own vices and devices of protection I have set up for myself. What a heart mankind has.
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