The depth of the deepest ocean is the heart. Plainly said it is a place that when we dig we find things we might never have found if we have not got down on our knees and bared our soul before the Lord. How often we tend to forget that the heart is decieving above all things. It has become so commonplace in our speech as christians we forget that it is a daily fact of life.
We can dive but even we can't dive the deepest of the ocean that is our heart without the help of the Lord. In this place destruction lies. The rebellion, the anger, pain. Far too many things to count and as if trying to accomidiate each with an excuse as the heart tries to do we must realize that our heart stops and starts with the will of God.
If anything this journal is a fact that I indeed know and understand what God has asked and what he is doing in my life. In this it is also the very thing to convict me. It is proof I know what to do and how to act and what to say and how to say it. How to love and how to love it. But the will and the direction and the action is in the heart. Which varily does what the mouth or even what the keys of the keyboard types for the words of the mouth are but a ill impression of the heart.
Sickly and barely pressing on the surface of the heart are the words for the action and the revelation only comes when we dive past our preference our comforts and where we feel safe.
In Authroity and in Leadership many things I have learnt but still things I have hidden deep in my heart. The only thing that should be left there is the law of God and nothing else should have place there. I realize sometimes in my deepest of darkest times as I write this journal primarily for myself that it must go beyond the page or beyond the screen. I pray that an impression of these entries will reside far further than just the surface of heart. That I will live to fullfill all that has been said or revealed. Even if God could be fooled; which would never happen! I have written it down exspelled by my own heart. Through the voice of language. The gift the Lord has given me to place words on a page to hear his voice. The gift of the heart and the brian he gave me so that I may have will. I must indeed surrender them both which should belong souly to him.
I am afraid the desire to be has become a pain one that I wish to end but I know that as far as I have come that I must run the race. I have no place to return to. I have no place to call home but what the Lord has given me. I feel that many times I should stop running but as I do I begin to sink back into what it was like before christ. Many do not realize where they have come from till they have gone to another place and I do not want to return back to a place of selfishness again.
I will agree than Humanism is far easier. It holds an excuse for every action and every reaction but it holds no answer. The Lord has given me answers to these and far more than I wanted answers for. he has given and showed me a devine love that cannot be equaled. He has lifted the black cloud and shown through adversity a treasure to be held and shared.
I know there is no ill fate for those in Christ and I know that what I done and am to do will far not be enough. It is not my revelation. My words or speech that will drive this force. It will not be my understandings or my beliefs. It will be the soul power, will and plan of God's. I ask daily that all I believe and understand would come more fully in line with the lords and continue to do so.
I write this in confession that it has not lined up many times. I have faulterd and fallen to place where I felt I had no place to climb back to. I felt pained to look back into the face of the Lord. I set that lie aside and realized that All the Lord wants is obedience unto him. In all things.
Becoming a daily action...Not simply a reaction when things don't go right. In this deepest of Darkest of Oceans I find that my actions are led by this. As a Christian this should not be. I want the Lord to break this more and more. I know to fully come into Worship him desire is not simply enough. Obedience is far more needed. Obedience to hear the Lord above the call of the heart.
Have I set the Bar Far too high. Truth is. I have not set the bar. It is not a matter of accomplishment I am loking for. It is not even a level to be reached I am looking for. But I want the love in my heart to indeed show how much I Love the Lord for what he done for me and to me. I realize that that is going to be in the most difficult of my issues of life and not in my simplest. A fool would say that he is looking forward to it. So a fool I must be. Call me a fool.
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